This is hard
Being here
Facing it
Facing this
Acknowledging this
living with this
seeing this
questioning this
confronting this
admitting this
It is hard
I can't handle it
lol
Yh I didn't die
but the weight is just too much
I want to go back to when I could just avoid it
ignore it
pretend it does not exist it
because this hurts
I don't know what hurts more
the realisation that I have always been this way
The awareness that I am a wallflower
that I am just observing and judging
that I am just being a critical sceptic
with no means to an end
I have to look to every phase of this
I can't just skip to the good part
I cant skip the intro nor bloops
My life is the bloop
I feel like I have just awakened from a dream
The pain of waiting on you
the rollercoaster of emotions
Would you or would you not
He loves me, He loves me not
He got me, he doesn't
The reality of my actual feelings and levels of trust
I didn't just block out the bad and uncomfortable past
I didn't just recreate and hope for the idealistic fairytale future
I ignored my present
I acted like it didn't exist
Like it was just a figment of my imagination
Damn
I don't know if this is scary or sad
lol
this is weird because
I am too aware of my reality to say I am lost
Learning to clear out the fog of fear and dread
It is clear now
but it is so clear I am forced to take the heavy step forward
I think I will be lying if I say its faith and praise
But there is faith and praise
So all I think I can do in the midst of this
Stay alert
Stay aware
Eyes wide opened
Set on You
Believing You
that there is joy, glory and hope
And the only truth is that You love me
You are with me
Especially now
That You are with me
Already Graced
I am Graced