Is there really God....

Things have happened .

Things are happening and it's making me question the reality of what I believe and hoping in. 

Am a very supertious person . I tend always believe things will just go right. Because subconsciously I have believed the world owes it to me and life will just be the way it's meant to be.But weirdly enough when I start studying something in the bible my  current life situation tends to relate to what I am studying . 

I have a great fear of making mistakes and the consequences that come with that. so am always very indecisive about pretty much  everything .  From the minor issues to the major ones. I have fantasied about my life all my life. It has been my escape route so far. But it has become a major issues in my life. 

I an not very afraid of reality .  I dont even what to do most of the times. My lack of a relationship is the only visible result of what am dealing with. (not really)

But I will call myself strong because I have never hit depression. I don't think I know how to let people in. And as much as I don't want that. I do want it. I keep on contradicting myself. My morals, principles. I see myself as a certain thing. absolutely unrealistic .  But God is the possibility God.

I want to be the baddest bitch but also the holist of saints. Why can't this be possible .  Time is passing me by. I don't want to make a decision. I just want that.

But they both need work. Be cause sadly nothing is given freely. But why. Why isn't it given.

Why aren't I as special  as I grew up believing.

A restart will be great. No actually that will be terrible. I know this is a cliché but damn it why. My life is going no where. I want that spiritual sign.

Sigh

I guess I do want to feel chosen. And I hate that I want that. It's disgusting.

Help me

help me.

Help

I am lazy and why can't I be.

Sigh

I don want a restart.  I want a fix it tab.