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Is there really God....

Things have happened.

Things are happening and it's making me question the reality of what I believe and hope in. 

Am a very superstitious person. I tend to always believe things will just go right. Because subconsciously I have believed the world owes it to me and life will just be the way it's meant to be. But weirdly enough when I start studying something in the bible my current life situation tends to relate to what I am studying. 

I have a great fear of making mistakes and the consequences that come with that. so am always very indecisive about pretty much everything.  From the minor issues to the major ones. I have fantasized about my life all my life. It has been my escape route so far. But it has become a major issue in my life. 

I am not very afraid of reality.  I don't even what to do most of the time. My lack of a relationship is the only visible result of what am dealing with. (not really)

But I will call myself strong because I have never hit depression. I don't think I know how to let people in. And as much as I don't want that. I do want it. I keep on contradicting myself. My morals, and principles. I see myself as a certain thing. absolutely unrealistic.  But God is the possibility, God.

I want to be the baddest bitch but also the holiest of saints. Why can't this be possible? Time is passing me by. I don't want to make a decision. I just want that.

But they both need work. Because sadly nothing is given freely. But why. Why isn't it given?

Why aren't I as special as I grew up believing?

A restart will be great. No, actually that will be terrible. I know this is a cliché but damn it why. My life is going nowhere. I want that spiritual sign.


I guess I do want to feel chosen. And I hate that I want that. It's disgusting.

Help me

help me.


I am lazy and why can't I be?


I don't want a restart.  I want a fix it tab. 


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